Teresa and Elliott…

Teresa and Elliott had a wonderful wedding in June. They were married at the Blue Agave Restaurant on the main street of Pleasanton, California. From my perspective, everything went exactly right. Teresa was a beautiful bride, Elliott a handsome groom. The bridesmaids and groomsmen all looked great, especially the MOH [maid of honor], Krista, who looked awesome. My responsibility was to, along with her father, escort Teresa down the front steps of the restaurant and over to where the ceremony would take place. The flower girls were the last to go before us. As we walked on the porch approaching the steps, Teresa said, “I think I’m going to cry.” I said something along the lines of not to do that, just follow the petals. By then though any attempts at stoicism were gone as both her father and I began to cry. As we walked her up to Elliott, he was crying, too. At that point Elliott was to shake her father’s hand and then give me a hug. We stepped back so Teresa could step up with Elliott. They had a special ceremony, performed by a lady who visited with them and came to know them, making the words she said meaningful and personalized. Civil engineers wear silver, pinky rings. Both Teresa and Elliott usually have theirs on. For tradition, I gave something old for Teresa to wear, which was her grandmother’s engagement ring, also a garnet (for January birthday) as Teresa’s engagement ring was. Teresa was wearing her grandmother’s ring on her pinky. At one point, only being about two feet away, I could see Elliott twisting around the pinky ring that Teresa was wearing. He glanced at it and then at her with a questioning look. She said it was her grandmother’s, and that was emotional. As a special song for the reception, Teresa and Elliott selected Ingrid Michaelson’s You Take Me the Way I Am. I was familiar with the song because at one point Elliott posted on his blog a video of Teresa lipsyncing to it. In the lyrics, the singer says that she loves the person because of the way he calls her, “Baby” and the way he says, “Good Morning.” I had asked Teresa if any of the things in the song were true of Elliott, and she said they weren’t. However, during the ceremony, Kim said that Teresa loved the way Elliott said, “Good morning” with a touch. Anyway, I really liked that part. Actually, I liked all the parts. One of the things that saddened me the most last spring when I was diagnosed with cancer was that Teresa might be having her wedding without her mother. So, it was especially sweet for me to simply be alive and experience my daughter’s wedding. The reception was excellent and provided an atmosphere in which many people who did not really know each other could enjoy and celebrate the marriage of Teresa and Elliott. At one point there was a little demonstration of breakdancing on the dance floor. Next, the two gorgeous little flower girls in their white dresses were sitting on the dance floor twirling around. Teresa said something to Kathi along the lines of that she would like to do that, too. Kathi, of course, encouraged her; and the bride joined the flower girls twirling around on their bottoms. One of the flower girls, my granddaughter Ana (age 3) summed up the long, long day with the most profound statement to Kathi…with a wistful sigh, Ana said, “I loved the wedding.” Me, too, Ana.

Going Through Something…

I’ve been experiencing something. I don’t know what to call it, maybe a depression, but not really. Patti could have told me it was coming. It happened to her daughter. You can’t describe it. You’re angry; you’re sad; you’re scared; I guess you’re grieving. It doesn’t make sense after the high of being called a survivor by your oncologist, but what about cancer does make sense? After proving I could be bigger than life…Superwoman, Wonder Woman, whatever it was I was trying to prove…disfurging surgery, horrible chemo, and 25 daily radiation treatments. Barely missed any work, taught all my university classes, ended a relationship with the only man I’ve ever loved, took little to no vacation, hardly skipped a beat, did not pass go, did not collect $200…Where did it leave me…in a funk. Kind of like an old Sinatra song …I was riding high in April (Fabuloso Survivor preparing for Race for the Cure), shot down in May…However, unlike Sinatra’s words, I did not change that tune, I was not back on top, back on top in June. At least, when nothing was shakin’ come this here July, I didn’t roll myself up in a big ball and die. I wanted to roll myself up though and just drop out. I saw Dr. Manno at the end of June and asked him about how I was feeling. I said, “Just tell me it’s normal, and I’ll be fine.” When I had my meltdown the night before Teresa and Elliott’s wedding, both Kathi and Krista said I should see a counselor. I asked Dr. Manno about that, too. Basically, he said what I’m going through is normal. He mentioned scenarios of other patients. He said if I spiraled down any further to come back, and he could put me on drugs. He said he didn’t think I would want to do that because I’m a teacher, and I depend on a clear head for thinking, reading, and teaching. He’s right; I don’t want to take drugs to feel better. He said I could get hooked up with the counselor at Nevada Cancer Institute, but I didn’t do that either. I’ve, of course, researched “Grief after Breast Cancer” and it did help to know that it really does exist. I do believe I have it, grief that is, well, now I think I can say I had it. I could not write during all of this time because of how I felt. I was afraid of what would come out of my head, my heart, and my fingertips if I wrote about how I felt. Now, I can. I was resentful of how I looked for the wedding…short grey hair with no bangs to cover my forehead…But then I would think that a year ago I didn’t think I’d be around for the wedding, so I should be happy with my ugly hair because at least I have hair. During the last few months, it was impossible not to think back to…last year at this time…yadayadayada. When the fourth of July came, it was the anniversary of having what was left of my hair buzzed off…not happy memories, but, ah, I’m around to think of them, right? So, I just filled my days with work and my evenings with back-to-back summer school classes three nights a week. I spent the weekends on the couch; and now I believe I’ve recovered…maybe. Some magical new something got a hold of me today, and I’m not in a funk. I know it will never be completely gone. I imagine that’s the life of a person who’s experienced cancer…always scared that it will come back, always that little voice asking, “Why me?” Dr. Manno says to just not ask that question; there is no, “Why me?” I didn’t do anything to deserve it; it just happened to me. So, I’m out of the something I was going through. Each time I find myself laying flat on my face, I just pick myself up and get back in the race…Thanks, Frank. And, Thanks be to God.

Uneventful…

Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about…Uneventful…three days off, no drama, no problems…doesn’t get any better…

I am feeling a little crazy right now though because I’m listening to a playlist on my ipod that I never tried before. Jay loaded all this music on the ipod. I usually listen to one of two playlists, All Time Favorites or Mello. The one I’m playing now is 80’s Music. I guess I was too busy during the 80’s to listen to popular music, For example, right now there’s a song playing that’s called Love My Way by the Psychedelic Furs. I’m sure I’ve never heard of them before. Earlier, I tried a playlist entitled Johnnie’s Favorites…you do not even want to go there…Let’s see, speaking of Johnnie, he ditched me for dinner on Friday night. So annoying when you call his cell phone and it goes right to voicemail, especially when you said you would call at that time to solidify plans for dinner. Fortunately, I had an invite from Krista to go to Happy Hour. Know any other 28-year-olds who would invite their mother to a happy hour with their co-workers? Actually, I had a good time, and I finally saw what Town Square looks like. I thought it was a mall, but it’s actually similar to the District in Green Valley. I went into one store, H&M; and I know there was nothing in that store that would fit me or at least have enough fabric to cover all the places I like covered by clothing. I haven’t had a very productive weekend, but remember…no drama, no problems makes for restful time off. I watched T.V., including The Chamber by John Grisham, a book I started and never finished. Ever since I got cancer, I’ve had a hard time finishing novels. I doubt there’s any correlation. Maybe, you just can’t stay focused on something for long periods of time, when you have the fact that you have cancer on your mind. However, I never had any problem playing Mario Bros. Pinball on my Gameboy or playing video games in casinos. About the Gameboy… a long time ago I bought a Nintendo DS (pink) and started playing the Big Brain Academy to improve my chances of getting Alzheimer’s later rather than sooner. I quickly tired of trying to master the activities in the Brain Academy and set the DS aside. For Heaven’s sake, I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner because I knew I could use the Gameboy games in the DS; but I finally put the Pinball game in the DS. It’s a whole new world! Everything is brighter, more colorful; and I see details that I never knew were there before. Back to T.V. watching this weekend. I love marathons of Law and Order. I don’t even have a favorite…Criminal Intent, well, Goren is pretty crazy; but then on SVU, Stabler’s pretty crazy, too. They both have their demons…who doesn’t? So, besides yesterday’s T.V. watching, I went to church. For some reason I like the Guardian Angel Cathedral so I try to go to 5:00 Mass. Now, I’m not one of those people who runs out before the priest leaves the church, but I do like to get out before the church is completely empty. Yesterday, I went into the pew and sat by the wall. The last lady to sit in that pew, sat next to the aisle. She not only stayed through every last verse of the last song; but, even then, continued to linger. The church was about emptied out by then, maybe ten to twenty people left; and I was still trapped in the pew. If you’re going to stay until they turn the lights off and blow out the candles, sit next to the wall, Louise! I try to at least get out of the church and the parking lot feeling all Christian and good. Let’s not rub people the wrong way before they’re even out of the building. Today, Susan, Kevin, Jason, Krista, Kathi, and I all met for coffee near Kathi’s new house that she just moved into so we could then go see it. Wow, it’s huge for one person and a huge back yard that I didn’t think was possible to find in Vegas anymore. Kathi has very unique taste and has some wonderful looking pieces. The funny thing is Susan says they once looked at that same model home and thought it was too big a house for all three of them. Everybody’s different. That’s what makes life so grand. O.K. I’m about stoned out…Rolling Stoned that is. I think an entire album of theirs has been playing straight through my writing. Funny thing, a little while ago, I read Teresa’s blog entry for today. It was about random things. Now, I’ve written a bunch of random stuff. It must be the long weekend or something, because I definitely have not been drinking dark beer. I went to look for something to wear to the wedding today. I started with NordstrumRack. I ran into a Harmon teacher there, and I could tell it was not going to be a productive shopping day. Instead, I decided to get my nails done, but the shop was closed. That’s an outright miracle. The husband and wife owners never, I mean, never close. They are open seven days a week, and they keep their two young sons there with them in the back room after school and all weekend. This is a pet peeve of mine and other Harmon teachers who get their nails done there. It doesn’t seem appropriate for the boys to spend so many hours there. I think Priscilla has even informed them that they could register the kids in a Safekey program after school. Good for her, but they’re not taking her advice. I finished the three teacher evals that were pressing on me. I’m off campus tomorrow, and the evals have to be completed and signed on Wednesday. I don’t think I should have to do work at home, but I surely can’t get everything done during my work hours. As Connie said when I was transferring to Harmon, “You’ll never work as hard in your life.” There’s never a dull moment at Harmon, but that’s another story. Oh, thank goodness, we moved on to Sheryl Crow for a moment, and all was right with the world. Now, it’s Talking Heads and Tears for Fears. I think I’ll go watch some uneventful, random Law and Order.